Five Minutes From Victory

It’s January 3, 1998, and I am currently in an intense program that has halfway run it’s course. In March, it will end and then what will I have learned? Quite a bit, if this first half is any measure of what is to come. More than I might have wanted to learn in regard to one painful lesson. This one I’ll share with you.

I was five minutes away from a commitment I had made for the evening. I was finishing my dinner and had begun to feel myself tense up beyond the point of release. All the thoughts going through my mind prior to now were building a significance of suffocation I could no longer ignore. And, I was doing this to myself! All thoughts were pointing in one direction. I wasn’t ready to make good on my commitment. I could show up, but I couldn’t see the way to manifesting the evening to go as I had said it would. My past experiences have taught me not to promise something unless there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I can indeed fulfill on the promise. Tonight, I couldn’t see this happening, and I was now sure of it, only five minutes before I was due at the Center for our weekly meeting. Instead of keeping myself open to possibilities, as I often do, I was already living the future in my mind, and I was painting an evening of failure for myself. I could not in my wildest dreams foretell a victory when all that led to this evening reeked of failure. The way it was looking to me was that I wasn’t prepared to live up to my commitment and that’s all I could focus on in the moment. I couldn’t even see the possibility that the Universe might come in to assist me. I was lacking trust and faith in the Almighty. Only one thing kept going through my mind. I made a commitment and saw no possibility of it being manifested.

I began getting physically ill while driving to the Center, so I pulled over into the nearest parking lot. This was the first time I had ever, that I could recall, made myself sick from worry. I couldn’t begin to tell you how I made my way home, and prayed no one would see me in this condition. I went directly to the bathroom to clean up, then phoned the Center as I sunk down into a hot bath to loosen up. I’m very fortunate to be within a community of friends in which we can share an openness in our conversation not found in other communities. This refreshing openness allows us to “cut through all the crap” that might be associated with some polite conversation, and takes us deeper into more meaningful conversations that foster once unforeseen experiences. It’s refreshing to be able to lay your cards on the table quickly and get at the crux of an issue, instead of skirting it for fear of offending someone’s ego. We have the freedom to put our egos aside, knowing quite well that’s where they belong. The friend who answered the phone told me that, had I made the move to come to the Center in those last short five minutes, I would have altered my course. I would have had a different ending to the evening and my promise would have been manifested as I hoped. There were factors happening at the Center that were unknown to me but indeed would have provided the results for the evening, as I had promised.

Now it was time for me to look and see how often I had done this in the past. As I examined this issue further, I began to see the pattern emerge. If I was striving to achieve a successful conclusion for, and with someone, then victory was not beyond reach. It was real and did exist on my horizon. In other times though, when I was going for something entirely for myself -- it was in those times that was consistent to me surrendering just five minutes before victory would be mine. How sad. Again how often had I done this in the past? When would I begin to stand strong for myself and break this pattern? Did I sell a love short too soon as well? Did I give up five minutes before we had our victory together? My father instructed me early on in life that recognizing a problem is halfway there to changing it or resolving it.

I invite all who, at one time or another, might think of quitting five minutes before victory, to re-think that thought. Before you sell yourself, your hopes, and dreams too short, go the extra measure and give it another five more minutes. Then, who’s to say -- maybe another five more minutes! Who else beside myself did I cheat when I stopped short of a victory for myself? As I’ve said before, my father also often made the remark, “what we do effects all those around us.” Who else did I cheat from a certain moment that would have lead along a different predetermined path? Because of that short turn I caused in life’s course, how many will need to come along and reroute their paths once more?

This is a valuable lesson for me to learn. I once thought myself a lesser person, not worthy of all the good that God might bestow upon me. Those were someone else’s thoughts that, when repeated often, I began to see as my own reality. But those were not thoughts created in love, they were thoughts of a sad ego wanting to be in control. I know now that I am worthy of all that God would send my way. I am a child of God and His goodness resides in me through his never-ending love. God’s love is my true reality. In love, there is forgiveness for all, including myself. God did not make me, or anyone else, a lesser person. Made in His image, we are all God’s children and filled with endless greatness that mirrors all He is and will be for eternity.

When next I have the opportunity to give up and quit, I think I shall give it five minutes more, and then maybe five minutes more, for who is to say but God, when enough is enough? Not me!