We all go through changes in our lives regularly from the time we are born until death. Some are as minute as putting weight on gradually, a little, day by day. Some changes are experienced in a swift second with the loss of a loved one. Change is inevitable as long as we are alive. It even continues to occur after we die if we are put into the ground and our body begins to decompose slowly in our last resting place. Some changes we have control over because we choose to change. Others we have no control over. Some of these we come to accept. It’s those changes we have no control over and can’t get out of that can be overwhelming and difficult to accept. We all like to think we are in control of our lives. Well, we like to think so! But the reverse becomes shockingly apparent when we are hit with something we cannot get control over. Cancer is one of those challenging events. There is sometimes no cure. There are times when we can’t find the right medicine to halt, arrest, or cure it. We are left feeling helpless, and in the end we watch a love one leaving us for the last time. But Cancer is something we begin to recognize as something we sometimes have no control over and in time accept the effects it has on our lives. I just lost a dear friend to Cancer and I know that it was against her will. San fought it all the way.
There is one more change that hits us, sometimes slowly and quietly, sometimes fast, hard and loud. It isn’t so acceptable, nor is the effects it has on our lives. I’m talking about a life change that most women find themselves entering almost over night. One night you go to bed and everything seems normal; in it’s place, secure and guaranteed to be consistent. The next morning you wake up and something has changed. What the heck! Everything has changed! You find yourself having hot flashes when no one else is and you can’t hide it because it’s apparent to all. You are breaking out in a sweat and they are all cool as cucumbers. And in that instant you suddenly realize YOU are the odd man out! Now I’m not telling this as a complaint, it’s just what’s so. I’m telling this to express how I feel right now in the midst of it all. I’m sharing this experience in hopes that, if only one other woman is experiencing this too, it can ease her frustration and fears. Don’t get frightened either when you begin to cry, don’t know why you are crying, and can’t stop. It’s going to make some uncomfortable and we won’t mention how uncomfortable it makes you because YOU ARE THE ONE CRYING! You are the one crying “for no reason” (except of course, you are going through the Change)! What, are you crazy?!
I went to make myself some espresso just five minutes ago, only to realize that the machine was on and ready to go. It was heated inside but I hadn’t put any water in it so it didn’t make the coffee. That’s just the start. I have the flu and upset stomach besides. I’m exhausted from the flu not to mention the Change! I’ll find myself literally going in one direction to do something, stopping, turning to do something else instead and then turning once more to do the first thing. I really am going around in circles. Then, when I discover that, in the frustration and fear that I may be loosing it all, I stop and freeze in my tracks not knowing truly which way to turn. Who is this person possessing my body? What happened to Michele? I read some of my writings now and think; I wish I could feel that way now. Some of my writings sound so inspiring to me and I find it hard to believe I wrote them, but I know I did because some of them took a lot of rewriting and editing. Maybe God had me write them down in those calmer years so I could reflect and use them now for support. Thanks Barb for telling me to read my own work. Maybe I was the person they were meant to help. I’m writing this because, if by some strange event I loose my mind, I want to leave something so those I love will know I tried my best! I find myself making decisions one minute that seem so logical and the next seem so stupid! What was I thinking of? Why did I do that? And then I find it even harder to forgive myself for my actions because what excuse did I have for doing it? I’m going through the change? A lot of people will tell you that it is a wonderful time in a woman’s life. “Right of passage” and all that crap-pá! Well then I don’t think we are talking about the same “Change of Life” here, because this is one passage that I wouldn’t have chosen for myself on a bet! Get a clue someone! It isn’t a funhouse unless it’s called the “House of Horrors!” Well, I may still have a little sense of humor – twisted maybe, but at least worth a laugh! How about that gals and guys! In spite of it all I can still get a laugh in there!
We had a neighbor once who was going through the change; she never came out of it. Her family deserted her one by one. At first I felt sorry for the family members because I could hear her yelling at them, but then I realized that someone could have had compassion for her. She didn’t ask to be going through the change; it was forced upon her. But they feared what they didn’t know and found ways to justify abandoning her when she needed them most. It wasn’t something they were doing intentionally, they just didn’t understand why she wasn’t getting better and “coming out of it,” and they were afraid. They were afraid that they would never know her again in peaceful times. They were uncomfortable. They didn’t know how to handle her mood swings nor did they actually recognize it as a disorder. They looked it as an unacceptable behavior pattern that she had “suddenly developed;” as if she brought it on herself. Her husband stayed away more and more, and the lack of support she received from him only made matters worse. What would have happened if he had been there more; gotten her the help she needed; learned more about what she was experiencing. She ended up in the house, alone, no friends, and then, one day years later, she died. Her life ended, unresolved. A once happy person was now only being remembered with the persona of an angry, unhappy, unapproachable, confused and fearful individual. It wasn’t anyone’s fault truly. Ignorance causes fear. People tend to run from what they are afraid of, hide from it, instead of facing it. I don’t want to hide from this change by masking my feelings with drugs. If I use something, I want to know that it will help ease the symptoms and not leave additional after effects or numb my senses. But each woman goes through this time with an unique experience, so this is one road that no one can actually tell you “that’s how it is” because you don’t know how it is until you are in the midst of it all. My suggestion to men is to be patient but not condescending. Here’s the facts from the horses mouth: it isn’t a cake walk for everyone, and if that is the attitude you are going to take, you could just make matters worse when your loved one is going through the “trenches” instead of the “cake walk.” Don’t expect it to be the same for everyone. Don’t make one woman wrong if she is having it harder than the next. Don’t make her a social outcast because she cries and it makes you feel a little uncomfortable. How do you think she is feeling about it at the time?
Let me give you some more examples. Life was happening more quietly. If there were ripples, they were small, no giant waves. Then it became the roller coaster ride of my life and I wanted off; but there was no getting off. I was going to get dinner one night and in the next moment I was sitting at the dinning room table crying, all by myself because I couldn’t remember how to get there. Or, I find myself forgetting to be somewhere. I even forgot an entire day! This is not who I was! This isn’t who I am! Well it is now! There is no one here when I need support, but that isn’t anyone’s fault. It’s just what’s so. So for the most, I’m going through some of the roughest times by myself. When I do cry out for help, I hear the fear in the person’s voice and realize that I have just made them uncomfortable. That wasn’t my intention. I was just calling out for help. I’ll try to cry for help a little more quietly from now on so no one is offended, frightened, confronted.
It’s almost a year now that I have been experiencing the Change. I’m in between jobs for the first time in my life and in the midst of all this uncertainty of the Change; I have to hold out hope that an employer won’t turn me down because of it. I’ve already had a couple of incidents when someone else was chosen instead me and I can’t help wondering if it was because of that. Don’t they realize that being idle right now is not in my nature and it’s adding stress to everything else? Don’t they see it’s a “Catch 22”? If they don’t take a chance on me and be a support then I become more fearful that it’s all behind me and there is nothing to look forward to anymore. No job, no love, no relationships, no money, no future. That’s how it appears sometimes right now. I know it’s not a pretty picture. I’ve been attempting to pull myself out of this pit but the attempts only last temporarily, until I get another punch in the jaw from another aspect of this Change. Each day lately, more and more, I wish I could get out of this body just so I could have a rest from the turmoil that is going on within. I know God is in there somewhere, but I think He is hiding too. Surely He knows the right thing to do? Maybe hiding is the right thing to do? Maybe my friends could hide from me so they don’t need to address it; and I could hide from them so they don’t see me at my “worst” that I can’t help but be right now, you know, until this “blows over.” But what if it doesn’t blow over? Then what? Do I spend the rest of my life in isolation from society because I make people uncomfortable to be around? Maybe my neighbor’s frustration came from knowing she was being rejected and not being able to address that situation with her friends and family?
To anyone who reads this I would ask that you consider that the woman going through these uncharted changes in her life needs your love, compassion, understanding more now than ever before. Please don’t desert her. Stand by her. Support her. Learn about the change and all the adverse effects that are possible so you can better understand the Hell she is in now. I acknowledge that some women don’t have this experience. To them I’ll say, “count your blessings,” because destiny could have dealt this hand to you. Only, when you get this hand you have to play the cards you have. You can’t ask for a re-deal. I see how some women can become so exhausted that they finally fold their last hand and opt out of the game. I see it but I won’t do it! I’m an avid poker player and I’ll find a way to learn to bluff my way through so no one recognizes that I have been dealt a loosing hand. Who knows? Maybe if I stay in the game long enough, everyone (all the elements of The Change) will fold and I’ll win after all!
And, to every woman who is in the midst of or just starting to go through the change of your life, hang in there. Ask God for an extra ounce of compassion for your friends and family when they come upon the fear of the unknown or when you see them looking at you like you are crazy. Go find a quiet room, turn on your favorite music, journal about what you are feeling, and keep praying to God. Then when someone in your family or circle of friends asks what’s up with you, let them read it for themselves. What’s the worst they can do? Commit you? No! Absolutely not! After all, you are only going through the Change! You’re not crazy!
05/21/03
Well it’s been a couple more months now and things seem to be stabilizing, at least for now. Journaling helped a lot! Maybe the five months was the “break-in time” and I’m just getting into the routine. I don’t notice the adverse effects as much and when I do, I meditate; boy do I meditate! I think of someone who has it worse than me and focus on ways to help them, then, surprisingly enough, my problems don’t’ seem so overwhelming. Thanks God for sending Your energy to carry me during these rough times. I know I couldn’t have done it alone!
06/05/03
It would appear to be getting better! Thanks God for helping me through the experience although I still don't know why you feel we women need it - we get enough variety in our lives already! The only possible thing I could see is that, if we didn't truly know compassion in it's fullest sense before this, it would surely leave one with it after!
Unboxed Blues
Michele C. Long