Sex, Intimacy and Love

One evening, in a conversation with some friends, I was asked my opinion of sex, intimacy, and love. Well, there was a roar of laughter from all, and then it got quiet. I began to pour out my thoughts and emotions concerning each and made sure I added that sex was sex, intimacy was intimacy, and love was love. I wanted to make it quite clear to everyone that I felt that one was not to be confused with, or taken for, the other. After I shared my outlook, it was still a little quiet until a woman in her late seventies commented that what I had shared was quite accurate; then she added that they should listen to what I was saying. You see, she knew it to be true because she had been there also. I got a chuckle out of that -- I was being asked my opinion on a subject that I didn't think myself to be an expert on, and still don't because I know I still have more to learn.

It was later that another friend asked if I had put my views on sex, intimacy and love into my writings. When I said, "no, not yet," she questioned me further. My answer was that I thought that some folks might be offended by some of my honest and open views of the three, and it wasn't my intention to offend anyone with my sharings. She didn't let it drop there. She began convincing me that people could see the beauty of it all through my eyes. That was the clincher! She hit me right at home. Now I had to write this piece! When sharing with people I'm passionate about sharing it all. I was holding back my sharing a part of who I am, not acknowledging that on these subjects also it, too, could make a difference for someone just like it has for me. Now then, in a conversation at lunch the other day, my friend noticed my new hair cut. One conversation led to another, and I shared with him my anticipation of an upcoming camping trip with another gentleman friend. I was looking forward to camping again; looking forward to being in nature, walking through the woods, fishing and swimming in the river, being caught up in the glow of a campfire, maybe playing cards or doing some reading, and sampling the unique tastes of food cooked over an open fire. Just about then, he got this grin on his face and proceeded to explain how naive I was to think that this man was going camping with me and that sex wouldn't be on his agenda.

There it was, someone had said naive and sex in a way that it was now occurring to me as if they were both not only sounding like dirty words, but were dirty as well. There was suddenly a connotation that wasn't there before. And where did I go! Well, thanks to my friend, I went right back to being a teenager, and facing again the moment when Sister Mary Frances took me aside to tell me that a young man I was having fun with only wanted me for "SEX." Well, thank God I didn't take on Sister Mary Frances' dogma of what being in the presence of a masculine entity should look like. I want to acknowledge my friend for being observant. I recognize that he and Sister Mary Frances were pointing out my naiveness to protect me. He was just bringing up something to look at and it gave me the opportunity to decide once more where I want to stand in the presence of it all.

I found at an early age there is this great freedom and child-like fun when the masculine and the feminine share together and unfold their own opposite beings. It's that complement each gives to the other. They bring beauty to playing (in the midst of not being the same entity) while giving each the space to be their own unique treasure, shining and glowing for, and on, the other. You see, my dad and mom had sex and they weren't dirty; and the beauty found in their child-like fun couldn't be dirty either. It was too pure, too natural. When "knowledgeable" people start putting their expectations of what it should "look like," they can really muddy-up the experience for themselves and others.

Thank you, Sister Mary Frances, for helping me to realize my own way of "being" with sex, intimacy, and love. I now know where I stand and have the guts to do so in my discussions. While my stand may seem "naive" to some, it's freeing, uninhibited, and allows me the "space" I want to be in when in the presence of the masculine being. It has also given me the freedom to share this, so anyone experience this through my reality. I'll say this for everyone out there who feels the way I do -- it's O.K. to be naive, to be uninhibited, to trust, to have fun, to be passionate about life. And it's even O.K. to be all of this with someone who isn't. It may "look" a little clumsy at first, but don't pay any attention to how it "looks." Let it just be O.K., and it will all begin to flow.

My first experiences with sex, intimacy, and love was as a child, observing my parents. Their constant display of love for each other was always out there in full view. It wasn't what they said; it was what they did. I was born in 1950. In the years I was growing up, sex, intimacy, and love were not open to discussion in group gatherings. Where we heard about it was from the nun teaching it at the Catholic High School. What was being taught was being taught by someone who had not had a great deal of experience on the subject.

What I saw was how mom and dad smiled at each other from across a room. Dad was always the loving husband, helping her without complaint. He loved to do things for her -- he loved her, and it showed. Neither of them did something for the other because they were "goaded into it" or because they felt they "had to". Each helped the other unconditionally because of their love.

The intimacy was apparent without saying a word. It was found in the gentle ways dad grabbed for mom's hand when they were walking side-by-side. Or the way she would wipe the mustard off his face with a smile. And while intimacy and love can go hand in hand, they are not the same. It's that intimacy of sharing that nurtures the love that endures. It's allowing yourself to be vulnerable and open to vulnerability that gives space for the love to grow. This is what I learned from being around my parents. This is what they taught me when I was young.

As far as sex.... well, they did have four girls. One of my aunts recently mentioned that I am a passionate, sensual woman, and that "the apple didn't fall far from the tree." My aunts keep me laughing you know.

While we were growing up, dad's open and honest view on sex, intimacy and love were that they were natural and a part of life. I never grew up with the conception that sex was "dirty." And it isn't. Not in my eyes. What can be more natural than the joining of two beings, both body and soul, coming together to play and experience the higher levels of ecstasy.

I consider myself fortunate to have my outlook on sex, intimacy, and love, and to have had the opportunity to enjoy each to their fullest with someone I loved. For me, every experience is met at a higher level when shared with someone you love. Having the fun to explore and be in the moment without restrictions and pressures can be an awesome experience. There is also a great amount of freedom to be enjoyed by placing no preconceived notions on the "being in those moments." Yes, I was very fortunate to have had a love that was the realization of our fantasies though it wasn't a fairy tale. Some people have described me as being "naive," but it could be that because I am naive at times, it allows me to enjoy those experiences that others might not because someone told them they "couldn't" or "shouldn't."

I don't expect to come to a new relationship with what I've experienced in the past with my husband. What do I expect to bring with me to a new relationship? Well, I'm just looking forward to "being" with someone in the moment, sharing mutual trust, and cherishing each other. We will "show up" without preconceptions. I can't imagine what this will be like because it hasn't happened yet! But I know it will be great because it will be a unique experience. There won't be any pressure because I won't be comparing it to something in the past. You see, the past has fond memories, but it's frozen -- there's nothing you can do about it - you can't change it - you can only recall it from time to time.

The fun of exploring can be found in the present. The present is so open -- void of anything, and that's where all that can be will show up. In those possibilities I can be a warm, loving, naive woman-child again and again. It's where I can co-create new experiences with someone I love. Doesn't that sound awesome? Think about it. Those moments when two lovers surrender to "being in the moment" with each other to experience whatever shows up in love and intimacy.

All the miracles that unfold during the gentlest touch, a warm caress, a kiss filled with overwhelming passion, and a child-like laughter found in the intimacy of uninhibited lovers. These are the moments when we allow ourselves to be innocent and not influenced by others rules of how we should "act;" that wonder-filled time when we can "be" whatever and whoever "shows up" in the moment.

No, it isn't a fantasy; I've been there, and it's fun. This is the love, and sex, and intimacy I know. If you haven't had it yet, you could, -- just stay open to the possibility of it all and "be in the moment" with someone you love. Oh yes, that's the important part. It really works when it's with someone you love. I wish I could describe to you what I have felt, but there are some times when no words can be found for the emotions we experience. Besides, you will be creating your own experiences in the moment, and they won't look anything like mine. I guess that's the way God wants it -- you know -- like when you experience all the other miracles of life that leave you speechless. I pray that some day I will know just one more man who will cherish me, as I will him, in all that we can discover together in sex, intimacy, and love.