My Best Friend

I have no partner now. He's been gone a few years and so are all those hopes of things that were to come for us. Why did I dream so, to make such plans as if I could mold the future with a wish? There was a time when our friendship was "on the rocks", so to speak, or "out of the conversation" as I might describe it now. "They say, if you desire something, then you need to work at it." I might disagree with this phrase because "working at" something might suggest struggle. Love could be less a struggle and more a flow. Instead of "working at it," I might take a gentler stand and say if you love someone, you could be willing to "stay in the conversation." This creates more freedom for a willing flow of love rather than a stubborn struggle. Had I known then what I know now -- but life doesn't always work that way, does it? I fear it would appear that some lessons are learned just a wee too late.

My past experience with death has left me always at its effect and not prepared. Two weeks -- only fourteen days -- was all we had together from the time he was diagnosed, until he passed on. We packed those days full of catching up. Not reminiscing on the past so much as we were re-sealing our friendship with laughter, going about doing the ordinary things of life. He was much too weak to do anything and used those hours I was gone to rest and recoup some of his strength. I would come home from work to fix us dinner. We played cards and watch a little TV when Seinfeld or MASH reruns were scheduled. In between, we'd nap a little here and there, and bask in the temporary feeling of security found in each other's arms. We continued to laugh at the kids we had been, to waste those past two years apart, pouting, brooding, and ready to fight because of some nameless struggle we had let come between us. I had hoped to create a better life for our family based on my childhood experiences. He also only knew one way of life based on his childhood experiences. Our ego's destroyed all we had created together. It wasn't until we divorced and each had the chance to reflect on what we now had created that we both were able to come back together with the same goals once more. Once we both put our ego's aside it became effortless and unconditional love was present once more. In our laughter (and forgiveness) now, all the walls came down and victory was once more ours together. As we laughed, our love rebounded and bonded once again.

Now, I'm reminded that our love was not a story to be spoken of in great detail. For I would not want to violate the trust that was and still remains, except to say I do remember that in our times of intimacy, I felt so much like him and he so much like me. In the most tender of moments, I do recall my surrendering to him and he to me so spontaneously that neither minded who did achieve the so-called victory; since in that total surrender we both all treasures clearly did receive.

In lieu of the fact that we are all truly unique, what was once between the two of us will not be again. My best friend resides in the past now as do all my memories of him, and I -- I live in the present. Oh, dear God, only you, in your infinite and deepest feelings could call to mind in one split second all the emotions that weaved our lives together. So, dear Lord, is there perchance the possibility that I might have just one more "Best Friend" within my lifetime, and then to have the opportunity to share this part of life once again? But, yes, I know, it must be in a new and different way!

"J.C." The Teenager
"J.C." The Hunter
With his winter face
"J.C." The Father
Gina (left) "J.C." (center) Jason (right)
My three kids playing with Lego's
"J.C." My Clown with earphones
he received for a
birthday present
"J.C." the Navy man and navigator.
Our vacation on the lake.