Wednesday, March 27, 2002
At my first Passover, I remember reading: “Everything we do in the Passover ritual, from the way we eat and drink to the way we sit and speak, is like a little trick that causes our souls to remember. Then, through the act of remembering, we create the connections that stir us to action and place us firmly on the path toward TIKKUN OLAM (the restoration of wholeness to our broken world).”
I believe God has sent me to become a recorder of my present day Judaism as I am about my spiritual journey. I feel as though, like Moses, I am a Jewish soul placed in the hands of a non-Jewish family to be loved and nourished. No one is at fault for me not remaining in the Catholic faith. All my family have faithfully taught me what they thought was best at the time. I acknowledge my father and mother for bringing me up to believe in God and the Golden Rule. For most of my life I lived for my mother’s wish to remain in the Catholic Faith. She wrote it in a letter to my father in 1954. My father gave me the letter somewhere around my teen years when I was questioning a lot. This year is my first Passover and at my second Seder, I let my friend Vicki read the letter. When she had finished, she looked at me with tears in her eyes and a gentle smile on her face and told me ever so lovingly that she just knew my mother would have been a support for me following what I felt was best for me. In that moment, it felt as if my mother was speaking to me through Vicki and in an instant, a weight had been lifted from my Spirit.
All the anguish I had been putting myself though all those years each time I read her letter and all the tug of war between my heart’s desire and what I thought was mom’s had seized at that moment. Then, just as if God were talking to me, He whispered a thought into my being. Catholicism was the only way my mother knew. She had no exposure to any other faith. And because she never knew another faith but her own, her only choice was to be Catholic or not; and being a believer in God, she choose Catholicism. Some of my aunts tell me that they can see my mother in me. So maybe if she were on the path I am today, she might choose to explore her roots as well. And then, she might choose to walk in the faith of a Jew as I have chosen for myself. I truly know in my heart of hearts that this choice is for me alone -- no one else. It’s for my higher good and well being and what has finally brought me a wave of peace at last. I don’t expect it will be an easy journey all the way but I do intend to walk it with joy-- no guilt-- as often as possible.
Where do I begin to tell you of my journey? Well, after my mother’s death, as I was growing up, I began questioning the Catholic faith. As I did, I was not satisfied with the answers I received. I was told that it was wrong to question and I should take it all on blind faith alone. When I continued questioning, I then was told that what I was saying was bordering on blasphemy and I should stop talking like that. So I became quiet because each time I questioned the faith it hurt my family and aroused confusion and disagreement among us all. As a teen, I logically decided that I would wait until my family had passed over to the other side and then they would see that it was O.K. for me to be Jewish! So I waited. My grandmother lived to well past ninety and my aunts were looking like they would survive as long as well. Then a couple of years ago, on my own, I began a broad study of the history of religions to see if I could find some answers to my endless questions. As I read, I then decided to study more in depth, the Jewish faith as I was considering it to be the roots of my Catholic faith. Then, last fall I engaged in a conversation with a friend and she fulfilled a dream I had for forty years! She invited me to C.R.C. (Central Reform Congregation) to learn more of the Jewish faith. I hadn’t realized during all these moves along my path that I had been led to where I needed to be right now at this time in my journey. Since it occures to me that all good paths do lead back to God, as I believe they do, then I would guess I needed to complete my life with my husband, and that his death opened a new door along my path to God. This could explain why I haven’t found myself in a committed relationship with a man to date. If I had married a non-Jewish man it could have delayed me and could have caused me to veer off my path. It might even explain my totally off-the-wall choice to abstain from any future relationships that do not serve my higher growth and good as well as the man’s higher growth and good. So, any future relationships will begin as a journey of a spiritual love between two individual souls and grow from within that foundation.
I find that when I stay on my path, I experience the viewing of miracles. They are always present, yet I haven’t always seen them for they are not always viewed with the eyes along but with the heart’s and soul’s Spirit and only when I clear away all the stuff that plagues me and go past my narrowness does the experience of miracles come to stay in my view. Now I see that it is time for me to walk in the way of the wilderness. I heard someone say: “It’s the place of being open to the flow of life around me. A place that demands being honest with myself without regard to personal anxiety. A place that demands being present with all of myself. In this wilderness any possessions cannot surround me. My preconceptions can not protect me. My logic cannot promise me the future. My guild can no longer place me safely in the past. I am left alone each day with an immediacy that astonished, chastens and exults me. I will see the world as if for the first time.” To hear these words is to put new meaning to a place that I have, in the past, called “the void.” I have stood in it, in the past and will continue to stand in, in the present and future.
I have begun my journey to be a part of the tapestry of life that transforms the world and I will help create the “Messianic Age” in my lifetime. Each step of the way I shall stop and say “Dayenu”(means: "that alone would have been enough, for that alone we are grateful.") along the path toward tikkun olam.
So now let me share my experiences of my first Passover. I doubt that any Passover will be the same and I hope they are not. I know that Passover was different for my friends this year because I was there and I doubt that months ago, anyone would have seen that coming! But Passover, like many things in life, doesn’t have to look a certain way. Sometimes we get caught up in the anticipation of something that we already have in our minds how it “should” look. But if we can let go of how it “should” look and be in the moment, we can be open to new experiences never before known to us. We can live in the present with those who are with us in the moment and create from there whatever unfolds. And, maybe being Jewish doesn’t have to look a certain way except in its uncertainty! Surely, I don’t look Jewish! Do I?
As I mentioned to Rabbi Randy, when he told me I’d be turned away three times, I hadn’t known how soon it would occur. It was one day before Passover and I set out to get some Gefilte Fish for the night of my second Seder. My friends mentioned that I could get it at any Schnucks or Diebergs. So on my way I went. Did I mention that I live in the South County area (non-Jewish) and not the Olivette or Clayton (Jewish) area? Unbeknown to me at the time, it does make a difference when seeking Gefilte Fish! I went to the Schnucks that is two blocks from my condo. I asked several employees where to find the Gefilte Fish and got several answers -- all which led to: “we have none.” They then mentioned that the Schnucks in Concord Village had a Kosher section and I could find some there. So off to the second Schnucks I went. I approached a lady in customer service and asked where the Kosher section was located. As she pointed the way, with a smile of relief on my face, I picked up my pace and hurried to complete my treasure hunt. I looked on all four shelves and couldn’t recognize anything that resembled Gefilte Fish. How was I overlooking it? I turned for help and saw a young man restocking the shelves and approached him with the question: “where is the Gefilte Fish?” He quickly replied to my dismay: “we don’t stock it here.” My enthusiasm now shattered, I turned and headed toward Dierbergs for my third and final attempt. Upon being led to their Kosher section by a helpful employee, I got my third strike and I was out! So here it was, the day before Passover, and no Gefilte Fish for my second Seder at Molly’s. Upon returning home, I telephone Straub’s in hopes of a miracle - and there it was - the last jar of Gefilte Fish they had and they would hold it for me until tomorrow. I thanked God for his continued guidance in keeping me open to possibility in the face of the adversities I face in life; and for the Gefilte Fish!
As far as Passover itself, I hope you will be able to see within this writing, the treasures of my first Passover. There are many more individual moments that have made up the beauty, love, tradition and Oneness I have come to find in my first Passover. I intend to write more stories of my first Passover, but these are my first thoughts of my experiences. Thank you all and thank you God! Tikkun olam.
