My Friend Don Usselman

My boss passed away suddenly Monday evening, while working out in the gym. I have jokingly told him on many occasions that it was going to kill him. Now my words have come back to haunt me. Don was only fifty. He was achieving success as a father and husband and had only one outstanding goal, when we met a couple of years ago. That was to successfully establish a managed money program for our firm.


God sent him my way just when I needed support during my former husband’s illness and death. Don was extremely supportive and a wonderfully positive influence. I can see now that God sent me his way to help him obtain his goal in successfully establishing the programs we have in the past few years. Don needed someone with as much drive as him to work with him six days a week, as many as twelve hours a day at first to get everything established. He repeatedly told me that as soon as everything was running smoothly, he would be going golfing more often and I would be there to “mine the store.” If someone else had said that to me, I’d be out the door. At times when he did participate in tournaments for the firm, he always had the phone on and kept in touch with me from whichever hole he was on at the time. We made a good team. We did have our moments since we were both determined to hold fast to issues we each thought were important - but we managed to always find common ground when listening to each others opinions and we worked out solutions that were best for all.


Now that I look back, I truly think that he knew the seriousness of his health. He started working out at the gym this year. He had a track record at Christian Brothers College that still hasn’t been broken to this date. I feel also that God brought him my way to help me learn to more quickly forgive others, as well as myself, and to acquire more patience. He was the kind of guy who, once he got into your heart, you couldn’t be upset with him for long when he did things that aggravated you. He’d get that grin on his face and say something funny and you just instantly forgave him of all his “little shortcomings”.


I am finding it easier to forgive myself for all my human imperfections, though life is too short, isn’t it! He would also tell me on occasions that I needed to get out and have more fun. I thought I was having enough. He would make a practice of telling me I needed to have more fun at work, while at the same time giving me more work - go figure! I would get so aggravated with him because it seemed as if he kept me more loaded down with responsibilities than others in the department; but someone at his wake put it in perspective for me when they made the statement that he gave me the responsibilities because he trusted me to get the job done.


It’s amazing how one’s ego can get in the way. There were times I guess you might say, I was jealous or aggravated that he would keep me waiting until he returned every call to every salesman, client, or potential client. Then about 5:30 or 6:00 in the evening he would start working with me on the day-to-day issues. We would either review them in the morning early or later at night, but not during the day when he had calls to return. I even joked with him that maybe I should just change my hours to work around those times.


I always had pending projects to keep me busy while he was marketing though, and I could be assured to find “Don Droppings” as we called them (little notes or projects that he would put on my chair sometime between the time I left in the evening and the time I arrived in the morning. Bad weather Saturdays (days when he couldn’t play golf) were the worst though. Those would be the days he would come in, catch up on all his reading and “pending stack”, and clean up his space. We all knew when we came in on Monday and passed Don’s office to see it all cleaned, that you just needed to go next door to see the bulk of the material shifted to my desk - so when his office was clean, mine was a mess with paperwork and when mine was clean, his was a mess with pending paperwork. It was one of those things you could count on.


Don’s had a dear weakness – he couldn’t say no to anyone, business or personal, when they came to him in need, and that was our worst nightmare. At one time I put a huge sign on the back of his office door “Just say no, and if you can’t say no... When I realized that this was one of Don’s unchangeable features, I relented and took the sign down and we laughed at my fruitless effort to get him to say no. My only other challenge was the never-ending battle to organize him. I hadn’t succeeded in getting ahead in that project - just at keeping on top of things. One woman in the office even noted when I was in his office after he had passed away, that I was still trying to organize him - we loved him dearly. I’m glad, and feel privileged, and thank God that I had the opportunity to know him, even if for such a short time. God sends us all to the path of the other, and although we don’t necessarily see the purpose at the time, it usually manifests itself when we least expect it, but need to know.


Today I am:
- living life as Don did, reaching out to people with laughter and a kind heart.
- a good person and amply deserving of all good things in life,
- responsible for finishing things I start.
- a listening for others.
- living my life as if it were my last hours.
- creating a legacy for my children and their children to come that will reach out to all humanity.


I am managing the existence of myself as someone with the ability to conquer new and challenging situations as they occur.
(Added October 1998)


Three years have past now and I am writing this addendum. When I get too busy and wrapped up in material things, a picture of Don laughing and telling a joke as he goes off to golf comes to mind. It’s just him reminding me again to slow down and have fun. Laughter is what kept our friendship going as it does others that I enjoy through life.


I remember a cold rainy night. I had stayed downtown to work. Later that evening as I started home, the streets were empty because the weatherman predicted ice. Well he was right this time! As I began to get onto the highway, I got up speed and that’s when I hit the “black ice.” It was like bumper cars. My car bounced from guardrail to guardrail. The air bags shot off and when the car finished spinning, it was headed in the right direction. I was now in shock. I had a car phone and could have called for help -- but I didn’t know that I needed it! All that came to mind was that I wanted to get home and get into my own bed -- then it would be safe! It wasn’t until I got to the county that I realized I had no headlights. At this point the car was beginning to overheat and I was just counting the minutes until this would all be over.


Safely home now, I parked the wreck and went inside, Gina sprung up from the sofa as a look of panic came over her. “What happened to your face,” she shouted. Just then I realized the pain and went to the bathroom to take a look. The air bag had burned my face and my lip. My lip was cut and swollen from the impact. I called emergency to see what I should do. They said to put ice on it to take the swelling down. I had to be at work the next day because our trader was out and I was substituting for him, so I got to work early.


When Don saw my face, he was shocked. He knew I had to be there too -- we had no choice. I told him it just looked bad but was worse when I laughed. For he rest of the day, he popped in every hour to tell me a joke! But we got through the day with a lot of laughter and a little pain.


It was a miracle that I didn’t die that night! By all facts, I should have. But those weren’t God’s plans for me at the time. So I figure I still have one more purpose left!


Somewhere along the way another friend, Andy, prompted me to become a “student of joy.” Now when one becomes a student and studies something like joy, one doesn’t need to drive oneself to “succeed or else.” As a student one can observe what happens in one’s daily life. And, without placing heavy judgment upon oneself, you can notice the results of your actions. This seems to leave a wider space for creating joy in your life daily and allows you to not be attached to the results as much as having the experience. It’s like auditing a class. You get to participate without getting graded on the results from your participation.


Don’s participation in my life continues to be there to influence me on occasion. He would be one of those people who attain silent fame -- the ones who make a contribution that continues on after they are gone. Thanks Don.